2008 Predictions via Skin Flicks
Problem Parties via Skin Flicks
DUP to destroy Irish language, Sinn Fein 11 plus via Belfast Blogger
Northern Ireland’s political parties today demonstrated the new, mature attitude we all have to politics here by revealing how the 10 government departments will be divided up between them in May.
The DUP got first pick, and it was no surprise that they took the Department for Stopping Money Getting to Nationalist Areas as the lead off. The rest of the party’s picks were a little surprising, as they opted for the Department for Giving Grants to Unionist Businessmen, the Department for Making Sure Protestant Farmers Can Flog Land For Big Prices, and the tiny Department for the Destruction of the Irish Language and GAA (Northern Ireland).
Sinn Fein got three departments. They surprised no one by once again going for the Department for the Abolition of the 11 plus and...
What? You want more amateur analysis of that bloody election? Yippee! via Belfast Blogger
Well, we had an election that would make Donald Horowitz proud. Voters rushing to elect the staunchest people from “their” side. For all the talk of bread and butter (or should that be rates and water) politics, no one can seriously say that the massive votes for the DUP and Sinn Fein were based on Peter Robinson initiating a water review, or Gerry Adams promoting unified rates of corporation tax.
Elections in Northern Ireland are different, that much is obvious. For one thing, in other parts of Western Europe its easy to interpret exactly what an election means. An election there is a conclusion to a process. Voters know what the elected parties stand for; all they have to do then is sit back and watch the elected making a haimes of it.
Here, its different. ...
Vote Early, Often - Official Election Guidance via Belfast Blogger
OFFICIAL ELECTION COMMUNICATION
The Electoral Commission of Northern Ireland has asked all media outlets to issue the following guidance. The purpose is to remind voters of their obligations when going to vote in today’s election.
Remember that the polls are only open from 7am-10pm. If you are voting in multiple polling stations, the Roads Service have asked that you plan your route so there isn’t a hurry after 9pm, to lessen possible road accidents
Please remember to bring your photo ID. If the nice man/woman canvassing at your door offers to vote for you, at least make sure they bear a passing resemblance to your photo ID.
Voting twice at the same polling station is discouraged, but not impossible. Remember that there will be changes of staff at...
Parties unite over key election issue! via Belfast Blogger
Northern Ireland’s four main political parties are due to stun the world by issuing a joint letter, in which all of them agree and believe.
The letter will basically be one long begging plea to Gordon Brown not to leave them in the shit, running a tired, over-administrated part of the world with absolutely no infrastructure and no funds to put it right. This could damage the popularity of people who’ve never said anything other than “No” or “Brits out”, leaving the public wondering why they’d bothered to elect any of the jokers in the first place.
They will also have the audacity to claim that they deserve to be rewarded with more public funds for simply doing the job they’ve been paid to do for almost ten years now - form an executive...
SEX hits election campaign at last via Belfast Blogger
After weeks of waiting, the election campaign finally got SEXED up today, with SEX becoming an election issue!
Seasoned hacks got hot under the collar as a group of women shared a platform, and began to freely and frankly discuss SEX, causing newspaper editors to sweat at the mere thought that, at last, they’d be able to put SEX into their headlines, hopefully doubling sales amongst Norn Iron’s randy readership.
“There’s not enough wimmen standing for election in this place,” droned a spokeswoman for the Women into Politics group, failing to see the irony in her whinging whilst not standing herself. “Maybe if more women were involved, things would be different around here,” she concluded, showing scant regard for crease-free shirts amongst...
Gambling is a mug’s game via Skin Flicks
Gambling is a mug's game.Paddy Power didn't announce record profits for the umpteenth year in a row due to the amount of cash he's giving away, you know?Nevertheless, gambling gets more and more popular every year. Now, I have an unusual perspective on gambling. I once worked as a professional croupier. I used to see all sorts come through the doors of the casino, blinded by the neon lights and the sheer James Bondness of it all.And this in a sleepy South of England town! Most would leave a few hours later, down a few quid but having in many cases enjoyed themselves. After all, if they'd kept their punting to a certain level, they'd have spent less than they might have otherwise in the pub, and at least they wouldn't be waking with a blinding hangover the next day.But there was always one...
Direct rule scum start squeezing the pips via Skin Flicks
It comes as no surprise to see that the direct rule paperpushers are seeking to implement a truly outrageous 20% hike in local housing rates.This of course comes on the back of a previous 12% hike, and the fact that water charges were removed from the rates to be made their own separate charge, the injustice of which I have previously mentioned in recent times.By my basic maths, if someone was paying around £500 in rates for their average Belfast house (see image) two years ago, then they're looking at a combined rates and water charges bill of somewhere in the region of £790 this year, a whopping increase of over 50% in only two years for a service no better than it was before.Oh, and of course that would increase to £1,026 by 2009 (a doubling of costs in only four years), and...
Water Charges in Northern Ireland via Skin Flicks
Tulip was onto me last week moaning about receiving a bill for water rates in the mail. He's right to moan. These charges are inequitable, unfair, and a form of double taxation.The people he should blame are the local politicians who, through their inability to sustain the local Assembly, have permitted the direct rule Ministers to levy this unfair double-taxation charge on the people of Northern Ireland.Now, with an election coming up, and given that this wheeze was foisted on Northern Ireland by the direct rule wonks of New Labour, you would think that the local parties would be falling over themselves to declare themselves against this levy, which will cost the average household an additional £314 per YEAR.Strangely, they're not. Sinn Fein have confirmed to me that they have no...
2007 Predictions via Skin Flicks
I suppose I am a little tardy rolling out my predictions a fortnight into the new year, but I really did want to chew them over first. Last thing I need is to have you all on my back come December going ner-ner-ner-ner-ner! at me for getting it all wrong.So here are my predictions for 2007, carefully considered and guaranteed to come true or your money back.* Get down to the bookies now!Mystic JC gazes into his crystal ball and sees:The NI elections will see a bump in the SDLP vote, but not enough to overhaul Sinn Fein. Both parties will hail their performances as a success. The UUP will similarly close on the DUP and both parties again will claim public support for their strategies. Ian Paisley will then find further nit-picking reasons not to enter power-sharing, and the whole process...
Spring is in the Autumn Air via Belfast Blogger
Anyone else noticed the prospect of a new dawn for politics here? A faint whiff of spring in the squally autumn air?
Me neither. But you can’t deny certain events in the last week indicate that the unthinkable might happen, and that Big Ian and Beardy Gerry might soon be saying “I do” to each other over the Stormont altar, and then engaging in some, quite frankly, vomit-inducing nuptials afterwards. Before revealing the happy couple’s new house, however, let’s all put on Lloyd Grossman voices and look at the evidence.
Spring gambol 1 - The positive IMC report hasn’t been completely rubbished by the DUP. The DUP not completely rubbishing anything is, in reality, their strongest form of endorsement. Of course they didn’t say it was...
Permatan Pete Pricks Egos via Belfast Blogger
MLAs across the spectrum have reacted with outrage to the suggestion that they will lose their support staff if they continue to not do their jobs.
Northern Ireland’s Deity, Peter Hain, has said that lawmakers don’t need staff to support them if they haven’t made any laws in nearly four years. Selfless politicians, however, have been quick to point out the flaws in the plan.
“How am I going to find more work for my wife?” said one. “We’ve a mortgage to pay, you know.”
Another claimed that he was quite prepared to lose his pay, but taking away his staff’s salary was an outrage. “Its fair enough to take away member’s salary, ” he lied, “but my ego depends on being able to order people about. Has Mr Hain...
DUP Out Perform Other Parties via Belfast Blogger
The DUP seem to being doing a better job of drawing attention of themselves then the other northern parties. SDLP hold up the tail with a late spurt of attention (might be their flag thing), while slow and low approach taken by the now all inclusive UUP. Sinn Fein being hot rats briefly in April are maintaining second fiddle to ever present white noise of the DUP who are most likely up because they spend most of their time shouting!
Rather then the always on approach of Ian Paisley, Gerry Adams has his moments in the sun, but by comparison to more important figures in the UK the two heros of northern politics flat-line.
The good reverend is not impressed but is getting his game face on!...
SDLP Flagwatch with Online Form! via Belfast Blogger
Ear to the ground like a spinning break-dancer the SDLP have launched a heartfelt initiative to strengthen Northern Ireland’s Flag laws. With such a catchy title the “Flag Watch” campaign is set to “mobilize public opinion to press for stronger legislation and a co-ordinated police/government approach to intimidatory displays of flags and political or sectarian symbols in public places.”
Deputy Leader Dr Alasdair McDonnell said: “The time has come for all of us to grasp the nettle and do what is clearly necessary to move community relations forward.
“Flags can intimidate, flags can divide. Flags are being used to mark out sectarian territory, to make a statement of community dominance and community exclusion. Paramilitary flags are intimidating by their...
Cat and dog start fight in room via BelfastBlogger.com
A cat and a dog have started a fight in a room after being locked in together.
The owner of the two pets, a Mr Peter “Orangeskin” Hain, denied accusations that he shouldn’t have put the two animals in the same room, given that everyone under the age of four knows that cats and dogs don’t get on.
You can sort out for yourselves which party takes the role of bullying dogs or sneaky......
Stormont Comedy Club reopens via BelfastBlogger.com
After three and a half years without amusement, laughter finally returned to Northern Ireland today, with the re-opening of the six counties top comedy club in Stormont.
The japesters up the hill couldn’t resist indulging in some of the antics which has made the place a by-word for the phrase non-working joke. Popular comic leader Gerry “Grizzly” Adams had them rolling by nominating his fellow jester, “Dr” Ian Paisley, for the job of compere. Paisley saw through the gag however, and once again the leadership of the popular establishment is up for grabs.
The finest joke of the day came courtesy of Lord of all Jokers, Peter Hain. He invited the comedians to a party at his house, after earning the estimated £2m paid to them by, er, signing their names....
Assembly to better reflect members via BelfastBlogger.com
Lord of all the Six Counties, Peter Permatan Hain, has announced measures to ensure the NI Assembly will better reflect the characteristics of its membership.
“We’re introducing an inflexible deadline, ” he said, snapping on a pair of tanning goggles. “Politicians here are always whinging that they can’t bend anymore, so we’ve decided to do the same with our plaything.”
Rumours that other new procedures will include the compulsory denouncing of the popish antichrist at the beginning of each day, and introducing warning shots to the back of the head for breaches of Assembly rules, remain......
Shocking crash in Northern Ireland benefits system via BelfastBlogger.com
Northern Ireland is reeling from a crash in the benefits system, on which a vast number of its citizens rely to get by.
The system, known as “Her Majesty’s Treasury”, has been supporting the six counties for the past 85 years, and the impending shutdown, resulting in people across the north having to actually pay their own way, is causing increasing panic.
Experts say they are working hard to get the system up and running again, but that their efforts are being hampered due to local officials, or “politicians” as they are known, refusing to do anything to help fix the......
Outdated institution meets Orange Order via BelfastBlogger.com
An outdated, secretive institution with no real role or place in modern Ireland, today met the Orange order to discuss parades.
The “SDLP” is an insititution which has been losing credibility and membership for years, and has come under increasing pressure due to its lack of relevance with young people and the exclusive nature of its membership.
The discussions were very amiable, as both organisations realised this desperate attempt to get good publicity and headlines would fade away with the first petrol bomb of summer....
Rooker unites orange and green! via BelfastBlogger.com
Brummie peer Lord Rooker has moved the peace process forward by finding an issue on which politicians from all sides can agree - that he must hang for having the gall to ask us to PAY for public services.
Doesn’t he know that we bring much needed international attention to the UK? After all, where else in the world do white people shout and roar and (now very occasionally) kill each other? If it wasn’t for us, western Europe would barely have been on American TV for the last 30 years, and where would all the dollars go then?
We can’t be expected to work for a living, for God’s sake we can’t even be trusted to pick the best deserving candidates for jobs without resorting to sectarian nonsense. We need state handouts, and our politicians are quite...
Orange Order heads up four day staring contest! via BelfastBlogger.com
F’n Madness altogether
MSN Search: Orange Order
MSN Search: SDLP
MSN Search: Sinn......
SDLP - make a public holiday a public holiday via BelfastBlogger.com
The moronic rush to gain headlines, irrespective of newsworthiness, continues. Following on from their counterparts in the “moderate but ignored” category of Northern Ireland politics the SDLP, through Eddie “genius” McGrady, have decided to call for the British to make St Paddys a public holiday in the North.
One slight problem Ed… they already have! How can these people say such nonsense? And how can anyone vote for a party that doesn’t check basic facts? No wonder people vote for anti-agreement parties. Who wants people like this actually having a say in our......
Leprechaun Bertie promises gold at end of rainbow via BelfastBlogger.com
Well-known leprachaun Bertie Ahern has once again revealed the whereabouts of a big pot marked “fully functioning Agreement”, full of gold and American and EU bribes.
“I’m tellin ye’s, I’m not lying dis time, ” to-be-sured Bertie, in trademark green hat and tiny boots. “Its just over dere, at de end of de beautiful spring rainbow. Ye’s will find it just before dat big sun, or some Orange ting anyway, comes in and wrecks de rainbow for another year. But I’m warning ye’s, ye’ll have de share it or it’ll disappear forever!”
Not everyone is happy with the little fella’s comments. Sinn Fein have said they don’t want to go all the way to the end of the rainbow, cos they’ve been...
Citizens of Moral fear influx following riot via BelfastBlogger.com
Inhabitants of the mountainous villiage of Moral are bracing themselves for an invasion of politicans following the riots in Dublin this weekend.
Elected mouths from north and south of the border scrambled to reach the high ground where the villiage of Moral is built, in order to sanctimoniously crow over their opposite numbers. However, the sheer volume of politicians diving to get their say and blame the other side for everything has sparked fears of overcrowding in the tiny settlement.
“There isn’t much high ground to go round here,” said one worried villiager. “All these people have their own back gardens full of skeletons, so why they want to come up here and take our land beats me.”
A completely different story is unfolding in the nearby...
Political Parties in Northern Ireland -a quick guide via BelfastBlogger.com
For anyone from outside the North Eastern corner of Ireland, the names and beliefs of the four main political parties here can sometimes be a bit confusing. So here’s a handy quick guide…
Democratic Unionist Party - a party who’s actions are geared towards ending an agreement which guarantees the key unionist consent principle and denying Northern Ireland any kind of democratically accountable government, unless its the one they want. Not the purest form of unionism or democracy known to man, but sure its a catchy name.
Sinn Fein - a republican party who campaign for Irish unity by insisting that an agreement which gives the British Queen sovereignty over Northern Ireland, and which ensures the north can always be part of the UK, is adhered to in full. Not the...
Supreme Dictator to get more powers via BelfastBlogger.com
It was announced today that Supreme Dictator of Northern Ireland, Peter Hain, has awarded himself even more powers.
Hain, who astounds his subjects into god-like worship by ignoring all their views and sporting a permanent tan, will now be able to call elections whenever he wants. However, he stressed that this in no way meant that Northern Ireland will become democratic.
“All this means,” giggled the mischevious Dear Leader in his strange South African accent, “is that when I get fed up ignoring one bunch of incompetent elected representatives, I can make the public pick another bunch at the drop of some suntan lotion.” He denied, however, that he’s going to keep calling elections until Sinn Fein agree to run Toireasa Ferris as a candidate in West...
IMC report… nothing happens via BelfastBlogger.com
The Independent Monitoring Commission reported yesterday… criminality… political policing… IRA changing… IRA not changing… oh my God this is so boring… whatever happened to the SDLP and UUP… is anyone actually still watching these idiots argue with each other… when does the next series of Big Brother......
Hatchet Man Hain via BelfastBlogger.com
There was a good piece over at Young Unionists by Kenny Donaldson which I felt the urge to reply to:
Northern Ireland has hardly been a great bastion of democracy. I am not aware of there ever having been a truly democratic government here, Unionists have been making excuses since 1921 to prevent Catholics from having an equal say and this continues today.
Times have changed and Britain has changed, England can not present itself as a spreader of democracy to the world while supporting an autocratic regime on its own territory. Peter Hain has the unfortunate task of trying to ensure that Unionism does not get caught on the wrong side of History.
As long as Northern Ireland functions as economic ballast in the UK our representatives carry little weight.
There was spying in Stormont but...