The press and political community in Northern Ireland has been thrown into turmoil by shocking revelations involving Ian Paislely jnr MLA.
In a series of exhaustive reports both print and broadcast media have been reporting stunning allegations suggesting that, despite the Assembly being suspended, the MLA (known as “junior” or “waste of big Ian’s spunk”) had been doing part of the job he was being been paid to do.
“This makes us look like fools, ” raged “special investigations” correspondents across all of the North’s papers and press agencies. “For years we were feeding the line that these guys were a bunch of work-shy layabouts. Now we discover one of them was actually writing letters on behalf of his...
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Sinn Fein have slammed the Government’s decision to close Post Offices in Northern Ireland, claiming that the ex-terrorist community will be hardest hit by the branch closures.
“It takes a long time for people to get ‘weaned off’ active service, and its a disgrace that the British Government is taken this decision with no idea of its impact,” said in-no-way-former-terrorist-or-terrorist-representative Francie Molloy, Sinn Fein MLA.
“Post Offices play a valuble role in isolated areas, providing a source of income and a gentle form of therapy for former volunteers who, whilst they aren’t bombing and shooting anymore, still need the thrill of holding up a counter and making off with thousands in used notes, ” he continued. “Sure its...
Diane Dodds, DUP councillor on the Shankill Road, has reacted angrily to the decision to build a block of luxury flats in the area.
“We in the upper reaches of the DUP have spent years keeping loyalist people in poverty and ignorance, ” said Mrs Dodds, who was on the way to the bank to cash her husband’s first monthly pay packet of £9166.
“After all, this is the only way they’d believe that, despite all the social deprivation in the area, the most important thing in their lives is a having a British passport. And we’ve been laughing all the way to the ballot box, and the bank, ever since!”
“When they see how well off other people in Northern Ireland are, right on their own doorsteps, they might ask whether we should have been doing...
Lord Trimble of His Own Arsehole will soon have television viewers across the UK checking the colour settings on their TV, as he gets strangely embarrassed over the slightest question for his new party, the Conservatives.
Never one to belittle his own importance or ambition, Trimble extracted himself from his nether regions to reveal that bringing his previous party to the point of annihilation has been all part of a cunning plan to get him a position within David Cameron’s Tories, where he laughably insists he won’t be rushing into a shadow cabinet post. Cameron welcomed Trimble whilst definitely not wiping a white powder away from his nose.
Trimble has been feted by the Conservative Party for years as a statesman and a kind of genius politician who rescued Northern Ireland...
The DUP’s appointment of Edwin Poots as the minister for Culture, Arts and Leisure from next month has raised some eyebrows. The biggest issue facing the culture Department is the location of the new national stadium for Northern Ireland.
Mr Poots’ position on this is quite clear. Like virtually every other big capital investment that has been proposed, Poots wants the stadium to be located in the Maze, in his constituency. He was even Chair of a development group tasked with making this happen. There have been rumours of a dirty deal between Sinn Fein and the DUP to ensure this happens, as the Shinners want a memorial to the hunger strikers to also be a part of the Maze development.
Where all this is leading has the potential to be quite worrying, not least for Sinn...
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Officials working for the new power-sharing executive at Stormont have insisted that the extended good weather Northern Ireland has enjoyed since the Paisley-Adams press conference is just the beginning of life in the new paradise.
Policy-makers have outlined a Programme for Government that will make the six counties a proper Garden of Eden, and its all thanks to us leaving our hated-filled past behind.
Proposals for the future include:
Birds suddenly appearing when you are near
Butterflies compulsory from April to October
Hangover-free beer sold half price in all pubs
Guaranteed romps with either Orlaith McAllistar or the Norn Irish bloke from Shameless, depending on your gender and persuasion
“Life really will be worth living now we all get along...
Northern Ireland’s political parties today demonstrated the new, mature attitude we all have to politics here by revealing how the 10 government departments will be divided up between them in May.
The DUP got first pick, and it was no surprise that they took the Department for Stopping Money Getting to Nationalist Areas as the lead off. The rest of the party’s picks were a little surprising, as they opted for the Department for Giving Grants to Unionist Businessmen, the Department for Making Sure Protestant Farmers Can Flog Land For Big Prices, and the tiny Department for the Destruction of the Irish Language and GAA (Northern Ireland).
Sinn Fein got three departments. They surprised no one by once again going for the Department for the Abolition of the 11 plus and...
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Concern is beginning to spread that the DUP may not hold together following the historic decision to share power with Sinn Fein.
The first major sign of dissent came with Jim Allister, the party’s MEP and a major player in the fantasy look-a-like community, resigning from the party. At a press conference to announce his decision, Allister seemed, barely able to control his anger. “Thieves, they’ve stolen our preciousssss union, nasty rude hobbitses, we hates them forever, gollum!”
A flurry of councillors in liberal Ballymena have also since resigned, worried that the party have been rushing to embrace Sinn Fein too quickly.
Deputy DUP leader and potential finance Minister Peadair Mhic Róibín has insisted, however, that events aren’t...
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God today claimed total credit for the breakthrough in the Northern Ireland peace process, declaring that his threats of a plague had forced political leaders to repent and amend their ways.
God, showing signs of tanning and skin damage from appearing too close to the sun, boomed out in a loud voice:
“And I hardened the hearts of the tribe of Adams who hath a beard, and the tribe of Paisley who hath a stupid fecking hat;
And I said unto them ‘Lo! If you doth not repent and forgive your enemy seven times seventy times, and suffer to speak unto them, then I shall unleash a plague of letters demanding payment for the very water which gushes so frequently from the heavens’;
And they were frightened of this wrathful and jealous God, and did spake unto each other...
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The DUP initiated their desperate last attempts to avoid power-sharing with Sinn Fein today, by playing havoc with the laws of time and space.
Party chiefs emerged from today’s high level meeting insisting that it was actually 1991, and that IRA/Sinn Fein was still engaged in a terrorist campaign.
“We voted on this, and over 90% agreed that we are still stuck in the previous millenium,” frothed a party spokesman after the meeting. “That means no decomissioning, no ceasefires and, most important of all, no egg on our faces by claiming we have smashed Sinn Fein.”
He went on to state that, by the DUP’s calendar, the 26th of March 2007 wasn’t due to occur until some time in May.
DUP leader Ian Paisley has been bending physics for some...
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In a sensational move, The Lord Almighty has claimed he is powerless to stop the flood about to hit poor boatmaker Noah Ireland and his desendants. And, in a staggering admission, he claims that not only will Noah get wet, but that he’ll have to pay for each drop of water sent gushing down in his catastrophic wrath.
God, sporting a healthy tan and a South African accent, laid the blame firmly at the door of the bedraggled shipwright’s elders, and at Noah himself for being led by them. And despite being able to create worlds in seven days, and to dissolve assemblies at the drop of a hat, he insisted there was nothing he could do about the flood.
“I am a jealous God, but not a mad one, and frankly I’m a bit fed up looking after this bunch of ingrates and...
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Well, we had an election that would make Donald Horowitz proud. Voters rushing to elect the staunchest people from “their” side. For all the talk of bread and butter (or should that be rates and water) politics, no one can seriously say that the massive votes for the DUP and Sinn Fein were based on Peter Robinson initiating a water review, or Gerry Adams promoting unified rates of corporation tax.
Elections in Northern Ireland are different, that much is obvious. For one thing, in other parts of Western Europe its easy to interpret exactly what an election means. An election there is a conclusion to a process. Voters know what the elected parties stand for; all they have to do then is sit back and watch the elected making a haimes of it.
Here, its different. ...
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OFFICIAL ELECTION COMMUNICATION
The Electoral Commission of Northern Ireland has asked all media outlets to issue the following guidance. The purpose is to remind voters of their obligations when going to vote in today’s election.
Remember that the polls are only open from 7am-10pm. If you are voting in multiple polling stations, the Roads Service have asked that you plan your route so there isn’t a hurry after 9pm, to lessen possible road accidents
Please remember to bring your photo ID. If the nice man/woman canvassing at your door offers to vote for you, at least make sure they bear a passing resemblance to your photo ID.
Voting twice at the same polling station is discouraged, but not impossible. Remember that there will be changes of staff at...
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Northern Ireland’s four main political parties are due to stun the world by issuing a joint letter, in which all of them agree and believe.
The letter will basically be one long begging plea to Gordon Brown not to leave them in the shit, running a tired, over-administrated part of the world with absolutely no infrastructure and no funds to put it right. This could damage the popularity of people who’ve never said anything other than “No” or “Brits out”, leaving the public wondering why they’d bothered to elect any of the jokers in the first place.
They will also have the audacity to claim that they deserve to be rewarded with more public funds for simply doing the job they’ve been paid to do for almost ten years now - form an executive...
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After weeks of waiting, the election campaign finally got SEXED up today, with SEX becoming an election issue!
Seasoned hacks got hot under the collar as a group of women shared a platform, and began to freely and frankly discuss SEX, causing newspaper editors to sweat at the mere thought that, at last, they’d be able to put SEX into their headlines, hopefully doubling sales amongst Norn Iron’s randy readership.
“There’s not enough wimmen standing for election in this place,” droned a spokeswoman for the Women into Politics group, failing to see the irony in her whinging whilst not standing herself. “Maybe if more women were involved, things would be different around here,” she concluded, showing scant regard for crease-free shirts amongst...
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Fears are growing that leader of the DUP and expected future First Minister, “Dr” Ian Paisley, may not survive long enough to see the results of Wednesday’s Northern Ireland Assembly poll.
There has been a marked difference in Mr Paisley’s style during this campaign, as the once booming demagogue has reined in his louder, less tolerant instincts to portray himself as a respectable statesman. And concern is mounting amongst doctors that the change may have fatal consequences for the Rev.
“Throughout Big Ian’s life, he has been healthily releasing the foul bile, constantly building up inside him as a result of his crazed paranoid worldview, in a serious of condescending, vitriolic attacks on anyone who doesn’t agree with and worship...
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With all the uncertainty surrounding whether or not democratically accountable government is going to return after the election on Wednesday, there was at least one piece of concrete news that should benefit Northern Ireland no matter what happens on Wednesday.
Phil “The Power” Taylor, Permatan Peter Hain’s chief advisor, is leaving Norn Iron to do his master’s bidding in the much more important Labour Deputy Leadership Contest. Old Permatan is bound to be leaving here when Brown gets in no matter what happens, and even if he loses the Deputy Leadership contest (which at the moment looks probable) his future surely likes back in Britain, and Taylor will be over there preparing the way.
The Power has been a disaster for democracy in Northern Ireland. He has...
The Irish Government has weighed into the NI Assembly election campaign in the best possible way, by promising us all great wads of cash.
“Selling out has had a bad rap in the North over the years, even in this election from both hardline Unionists and Republicans, ” said an Irish Government spokesman in his gold shoes today. “But we aim to change their minds and prove that, hey, it ain’t so bad.”
“Look at all these lovely lovely Euros, ” he continued, slapping back hundreds of greedy hands with a designer silk whip, complete with diamond encrusted handle. “Ah ah, ye’s know what ye have to do if ye want this…” he teased unnecessarily.
No major political parties have yet commented on the proposals, not even the...
Sideshow Bob McCartney, flapfooted leader of the UK Unionist Party, today blasted republicans for including a GM-free Ireland proposal in their manifesto.
McCartney is standing for election in 6 seats and today insisted that, should he be elected to all six, he would serve all six consituencies.
“This is a blatent, disgraceful attempt by republicans to force us into a United Ireland, ” he roared, before trodding on several rakes nearby. “Thanks to the surrender of Ian Paisley, I am now the major block on the road to Dublin, and plan to clone myself several times to serve the hundreds of thousands of people who want to vote for me.”
“Sinn Fein are running as scared as their chum Ian, and I want to assure them that I will find a way to represent all the...
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Anyone else noticed the prospect of a new dawn for politics here? A faint whiff of spring in the squally autumn air?
Me neither. But you can’t deny certain events in the last week indicate that the unthinkable might happen, and that Big Ian and Beardy Gerry might soon be saying “I do” to each other over the Stormont altar, and then engaging in some, quite frankly, vomit-inducing nuptials afterwards. Before revealing the happy couple’s new house, however, let’s all put on Lloyd Grossman voices and look at the evidence.
Spring gambol 1 - The positive IMC report hasn’t been completely rubbished by the DUP. The DUP not completely rubbishing anything is, in reality, their strongest form of endorsement. Of course they didn’t say it was...
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Democracy was left fighting for its life today as a fairly and lawfully elected politician from one country met a group of fairly and lawfully elected politicans from another country.
Representatives from bastions of democracy like the Ulster Unionist Party, which was so keen on democracy it ruled a one party state for 50 years, and the current US administration, which gained power in a democratic election by gaining less votes than its opponent, criticised the politicians for meeting each other in an open fashion and trying to learn from each other’s history.
Critics of the move claimed that the meeting was only designed to boost the prospects of the attendees at their respective elections, which is anathema in any democracy.
The British Labour Party has not reacted to the...
A peace process has been described as “confused” and “at death’s door” after it was spotted swimming in Belfast Lough this week.
Peace processes normally steer well clear of Northern Ireland if they are fit and healthy, but experts have indicated that its proximity to the province is a bad sign.
“The process is beginning to roll about and is showing signs of distress, ” said a boffin. “Unless it manages to get away from here soon, I think it hasn’t got much chance of surviving. Peace Processes tend to get confused by the hot Northern Irish summer.”
Officials from the Government are currently attending to the process, trying to attract it to deeper water and far away from the Sinn Fein cement works, which could drag the...
MLAs across the spectrum have reacted with outrage to the suggestion that they will lose their support staff if they continue to not do their jobs.
Northern Ireland’s Deity, Peter Hain, has said that lawmakers don’t need staff to support them if they haven’t made any laws in nearly four years. Selfless politicians, however, have been quick to point out the flaws in the plan.
“How am I going to find more work for my wife?” said one. “We’ve a mortgage to pay, you know.”
Another claimed that he was quite prepared to lose his pay, but taking away his staff’s salary was an outrage. “Its fair enough to take away member’s salary, ” he lied, “but my ego depends on being able to order people about. Has Mr Hain...
Thousands of men walked down the street in Northern Ireland today without anything untoward or objectional happening.
A heavy police presence, and numerous media organisations, watched as the men, who were all white and European, walked down the streets. The men, dressed in suits, played music as they walked.
“This is a great day for Northern Ireland, ” declared one bystander. “At last, people can walk down the streets dressed in suits without riots or violence occuring.”
Other, less important, news in brief…
Total war breaks out in Middle East, but they’re not really Europeans
Hundreds die in Mumbai bombs, but they’re Indians
Organisation responsible for the death and forced enslavement of thousands of children ignores talks, but...
The DUP seem to being doing a better job of drawing attention of themselves then the other northern parties. SDLP hold up the tail with a late spurt of attention (might be their flag thing), while slow and low approach taken by the now all inclusive UUP. Sinn Fein being hot rats briefly in April are maintaining second fiddle to ever present white noise of the DUP who are most likely up because they spend most of their time shouting!
Rather then the always on approach of Ian Paisley, Gerry Adams has his moments in the sun, but by comparison to more important figures in the UK the two heros of northern politics flat-line.
The good reverend is not impressed but is getting his game face on!...
There is a good retrospective, somewhat introspective piece over at “The Young Unionists’” Website by Brian Crowe about the Orange tradition and it’s place in history. The Young Unionists website is a good one and while some of it will make some readers blood boil and others cheer they should all still read it.
Coming from the American Republic tradition and understand it’s ideals and failures, but I can’t help but acknowledge the irony of praising the Declaration of Independence written in the good republic (rather then the neighbor republic). Viewed through the eyes of time and the lens of Northern Ireland it’s a wonderfully relevant piece. What I see as a new found embracing of the American revolution by Unionism and The Orange is little more...
BelfastBlogger.com has obtained more exclusive transcripts from the Stormont committee, charged with finding a way out of the current impasse and back to devolved government.
Reproduced below, the transcripts reveal the huge efforts and sacrifice of the dedicated politicans, working their hardest to get things back on track and ensure a better life for the people they represent and are paid by.
TRANSCRIPT OF THE FIRST MEETING OF THE STORMONT COMMITTEE
Chairperson: I declare this meeting open
DUPper: Its your fault
Shinner: No its your fault
DUPper: No its your fault
Shinner: No its your fault
DUPper: No its your fault
COMMITTEE BREAKS FOR HUGE LUNCH AT TAXPAYER’S EXPENSE, RECONVENES @2PM
Chairperson: The meeting is hereby reconvened.
Shinner: Its your fault...
High quality interior design firm Decoration Undertaken by Protestants Plc has rejected a deadline set by the owner of a house in Stormont to complete their task and let people move back in.
Despite the owner, a Mr T Blair, paying millions of pounds to the DUP to do their job, the decorating group insists it is under no obligation to finish the task, or to do the work they’re being paid to do.
Deputy chief wallpaperer Peter Robinson said “We don’t believe these threats about letting cowboys from the south up to do the job. If its finished a few days after the deadline, they’ll not go ahead and hire someone else.”
Robinson, who carries out multiple jobs along with his wife and does very nicely from it, insisted it was not DUP’s fault that...
A cat and a dog have started a fight in a room after being locked in together.
The owner of the two pets, a Mr Peter “Orangeskin” Hain, denied accusations that he shouldn’t have put the two animals in the same room, given that everyone under the age of four knows that cats and dogs don’t get on.
You can sort out for yourselves which party takes the role of bullying dogs or sneaky......
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Sinn Fein have reacted angrily to claims that a senior member of the party, Gerry Adams, has never been a spy for British intelligence.
“Its a disgraceful slur to suggest that anyone who gets to such a senior level hasn’t sold his soul to the British,” a spokesman for the party said, burning his Irish dictionary and humming God Save the Queen.
“We vet people severely before they reach the upper reaches, to make sure they’ve no traces of idealism and that they’re happy to call themselves republicans whilst agreeing to serve a partitionist assembly. Of course people like that will take the Queen’s shilling and rat out their colleagues.”
Reports from the other side that Ian Paisley has been saying the Hail Mary in Gaelic remain...
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